I was inspired to start my own after reading a friend's. I enjoy writing, but often only get to do boring kinds of writing at work (budget justifications, educational materials about obesity, and emails where I really want to shout and swear at someone but have to be "professional"). So here I am.
Today's topic is the first of hopefully several installments of "Things that fascinate me." (To set my sights on "many installments" is too much pressure.)
Anyway, sometimes I get struck by something - a place, an animal, a phenomenon - and just have to think about it for a while. And I want other people to think about it with me. Ideally, they're as fascinated as I am, but that's not required. I'm quite happy being fascinated by myself. I nearly labeled this "Things that are amazing but that we just don't spend enough time being amazed by," but that isn't very pithy.
My topic today is self-esteem.
I just help conduct a round of interviews at work involving 5 undergraduates. The posting clearly stated that we wanted people who are very outgoing and who would be willing to walk up to other undergrads on campus to interview them about their smoking. That takes balls, I'd say.
We got lots of resumes, including one woman who listed "I'm pretty" and "I'm in a sorority" as some of her main strengths. She didn't get an interview, but after conducting the first three, we regretted rejecting her so quickly. At least she thought she had strengths! Never before have I met three people in such a short time who had next-to-no personality. It was getting creepy. There was Mr. ShortestAnswerPossible (a.k.a. Too-long Eye Contact Dude). I think he was part robot. Then there was Ms. ICan'tEvenRememberAnythingAboutHerExceptThatSheWasMousy. She was definitely part mouse. The best was Ms. SweatyArmpits.
It's this last woman whose total lack of confidence struck me. She was slightly overweight but would still qualify as attractive to most. (Although, she did have what I can only describe as "shifty" eyes). She sat on the very edge of her chair and rocked back and forth throughout the entire interview. When we asked her if she'd be comfortable interviewing people on campus, she said "I think so." Nothing about her said "I'm a dynamo and you definitely want to hire me."
Her resume was obviously strong enough for us to want to interview her. She had qualifications that were directly related to our job, but she didn't mention many of them in the interview. Some were only moderately related, but anyone with some self-esteem would have said "I haven't done X exactly, but I did Y and it was similar in these ways..." She only answered our questions with the bare minimum of information. It was odd and a discouraging waste of time.
Why was she so nervous? Why can some people exude confidence even when they shouldn't, and others can't muster a shred of it when they clearly deserve to? Why can some people "sell themselves" and others simply can't. Maybe it's humility, maybe it's an inability to lie or exaggerate, even a little. I don't know.
I'm more fascinated, though, about other situations where perfectly lovely people have no confidence in themselves. Recently at a soccer game, some of the other parents were mingling together. Several of them have been friends for a while, so it was a little clique-y. I didn't think much of it, but my husband seemed to emotionally time travel back to his painful high school experiences.
Why do people think others won't like them? Or that others won't respect them or recognize their talents? I may be imagining this, but it also seems like people with low self-esteem are usually lovely... and people with overly high self esteem are, well... not always so lovely.
I've decided that I'll consider myself a success as a mom if my children, when they're in their 20s (after all the horrible puberty stuff wears off), are happy and self-confident. I don't care if they dig ditches or find a cure for cancer, I just want them to be content with their lives and love who they are.
So the nugget that really really fascinates me is this: How can we, as parents, spouses, or friends help build others' self-esteem? I can tell my husband "I wish you saw yourself as I see you. You'd realize how wonderful you are." I can even tell him the specific ways in which he's wonderful. I can tell my son the same things. Ditto my daughter.
But it can't be that simple. What allows someone to hold themselves in high regard, or even medium regard? Is it the way you're raised? (If so, I want to know the secrets.) Does it require years of therapy? If you're an adult with low self-esteem, can you improve it?
Think on it... while I go do the work I should have been doing for the past 1.5 hours.
2 comments:
First of all: hooray for starting a blog, and I hope you have a great time with it. For me, it's like a cross between a journal and a conversation. I hope you like it as well.
Second, this is a really interesting topic. While I think that confidence is actually something that can vary by situation, I think that self-esteem is pretty constant. It can shift over time (say, if you lose your job), but I don't think it tends to fluctuate on a daily basis. And I think that people who exude both are the ones who are most successful -- but it's possible to have self-esteem without a lot of confidence, for example, and still do okay in some scenarios.
I agree, though, that it's heartbreaking to see a lack of it in someone we love because there really is NOT an easy way to give them more of it. I haven't figured my way out of that pickle -- but when I do, my husband will be more self-confident, I'm sure. And then, of course, I'll pass along all my brilliant tips to you. :)
Oh, and as a P.S. -- if you actually want interesting strangers coming here and reading (some people do, others feel kind of meh about that, the best way to build a readership is to read other blogs and leave comments on them too. And it helps if you have a little picture to go with your name signature. For some reason, people are more likely to click a picture to get to a profile than they are to click a name. Don't ask me why...
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